This past Thursday I had my fifth Rooting Shen treatment and I brought with me my dream of being trapped in the burning church, giving up my child and the debilitating nihilism that has plagued me all winter. Also the ever present pain in my body, migraines, loss of appetite, difficulty breathing, profound loneliness and hanging on to life by the merest thread. Laura's response to this was... "Oh, Damn". She counseled the other practionners, as they came forward to take my pulses, to approach with extreme gentleness, to take off their shoes (metaphorically) and to treat this fragile soul on the table with great care. A soul very much in turmoil and very much in need. The needles went in and they - Laura, Taylore, Deb, Noah and Meg - all tried to get a read on where I was and where I needed to go. The main theme of "entrappment" seemed to be the focus and as I talked about the darkness and terror that haunts my days and nights Laura wondered if I had ever encountered in my life a strong "teacher" figure that may have gotten the upper hand on my psyche. Nothing rang a bell but there is something inside of me that keeps all this work that I do on the inner level and the outer from taking hold. I've called it pathology, Lyme spirochetes, Epstein Barr virus and nihilism. And I have battled with all the tools available to me to try and get out from under it....but to no avail.
Laura then proposed that this coming April I come back for another long treatment called the "12 Points Shining Bright as the Starry Skies". It is a treatment that she, Taylore, Deb, Noah, Meg and the rest of their support team will be working on this March and hopefully can bring some light into what has kept my soul entrapped. She gave me homework to do during these next two months....to fill my life with flowers and to find 13 songs that resonate with me to bring to the treatment. I need to get myself a CD player or Ipod and listen to as much music as possible. Now for me, this will be a shift because I don't listen to music, I don't own a CD player, I don't have scads of CD's to choose from and I only have ancient Ipod that belonged to Peter. I am pretty inept when it comes to this new technology of itunes, etc but Taylore and Deb are willing to help me with music from their collections and I will go out and try to find some on my own. I grasped hold of this new directive wholeheartedly as anything that I can do to find a secure lifeline to lifting myself out of the darkness is a welcome diversion.
So...I am counting down the days...57 more to go...and as very little gives me hope these days, I count each day that I make it one step closer to some kind of release. Yesterday I borrowed a CD player and I rummaged through the collection of music at work and found my old copy of Gounod's Faust. This morning while I was eating breakfast I put on the disc for the final two acts and almost immediately the music found a weak spot in my heart and I started to sob. These sobs come from deep down inside my chest and are different then anything I have experienced in the past. Since the breaking open from my dream with Peter jumping in the water I am not just crying but am actually sobbing. It's more then just tears running from my eyes....it is a heart wrenching, full body experience. I closed my eyes and just let that glorious music and the passion of the singers reach down into my soul and fill it with something new.
So...I have found song # 1.....the duet between Faust and Marguerite as she ascends to heaven.
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