Moving ever onwards......

Feeling Radiant

                                                   

I have been sick with a cold all this week and today I woke with neck pain and a migraine starting.  I dosed up with drugs and went back to bed.  It has been a hard week and when feeling sick I don't seem to muster those "beautiful, radiant" feelings very easily.  I did work on this collage in the evenings after work and that helped to bring the feelings in a bit deeper.  My heart is still very heavy and sore and my inner work does not penetrate the depression entirely.  Some of it feels just like the sadness of regret and loss.....this un-nameable loss that is embodied in every cell of my body...that can't seem to be shaken.  Some of  the despair is also that I keep feeling so unwell physically and that it is such an effort to show up to work and my daily commitments.  There is a sadness under that despair in that I don't have much heart anymore for these two businesses...the weaving and the teaching....that were once my life long passion.  They are how I make my living now but something in them (or in me) has gone terribly flat.
Last week though, I was given the title of a book by one of my health practionners that I ordered immediately and has brought a ray of hope into my life.  It is called  -  Out of the Woods:  Healing Lyme Disease -  Body, Mind and Spirit".  It arrived on Thursday and I spent the next two days .....even snatching moments of the treatment table at Physical Therapy....to read it cover to cover.  This woman's story was my story....with such amazing similarities that it was uncanny.  This undiagnosable illness had wrecked her life for years and years....she who was once successful, high functioning and incredibly active.  She had constant migraines, overwhelming fatigue, body pains and never ending digestive complaints.  She tried every known alternative treatment and spent thousands of dollars on supplements and doctors appointments.  She battled with depression and frustration and anger. It ruined her marriage.
 Then one day she found a doctor - a homeopath  - who tested her with new improved testing procedures and discovered that she had Chronic Lyme Disease.  That precipitated the start of her healing process on the outside but it also changed her life on the inside.  Her struggle to find health in her body brought her to the edge of the cliff and taking that leap over she discovered a real relationship with her heart and the Divine...and her true calling.
I, too, am taking leaps of faith by going over the waterfall to find the Divine and although her path took another route I know that following my dreams is the way that I will attain the reunion with my heart.  I have been tested for Lyme disease twice with negative results so the insurance companies will not cover any other treatments costs...but  I will try and find a way to have these newer tests done and see what they reveal.  There is some blessing in having had this spirochete invasion in my body as it has forced me to a stillness that I never would have voluntarily taken.  In that stillness I am starting to pay attention to the messages that my soul has been patiently waiting for me to hear ....and am taking them to heart.