Grief, loss and letting go....

Radiance

       

A week ago this past Saturday one of my sweet cats disappeared in the night and it is almost certain now that she is dead.  As I have been living alone up here on the hill for the past many months, my cats have become a vital part of my life. The loss of one of my favorites has been very painful and hard to bear but I know that this pain is really a part of my own woundedness.  The tears that I shed for her are for me as well.
Also this week I received some hard news from abroad that my relationship with Peter is now firmly and irrevocably over.  He has found a new love and I have had to let go of any lingering hopes that our lives would someday come together again.  The pain of this finality has taken me by surprise and my heart ached more then I thought possible.  Once again, I know that this is about me....my pain...my trauma...but there still is a great sadness and regret for the past that could have been different.

In this midst of this heart aching I had a session with Christa and we worked two new beautiful dreams.
They are my antidote to the poison of nihilism and despair that can sometimes seep into this pure heart pain and lead me down that awful road.  In the first dream I am with my friend Dan and he and another man and his 12 yr old daughter are preparing for a wedding.  Dan tells me how pretty and well I look and at first I don't take this in.  Then I pass by a mirror and behold this beautiful, radiant face looking back at me. Something wonderful has happened on the  inside to transform me on the outside.
Well...true to form, I hadn't realized the importance of this dream when I had it, and it was only when Christa reflected back to me what it meant, could I start to take it in.  It is my wedding that is being prepared...I am the chosen bride of the Animus, Dan, and I am glowing with light and beauty from the inside.  I am loved.  I am wanted.  I am beautiful and attractive.  How different then what the nihilistic voices were telling me after the news from Peter.
When I closed my eyes to go deeper into the feeling I felt the sweet pain of being so loved and cherished.  The radiance inside started in my heart and filled up every cell in my body.  It was energizing and exhilarating.

  In the second dream I am at a NOE retreat and Jeremiah comes to sit with me.  He wants to resume our piano lessons and says how much he misses our time together.  I agree to starting again and he also offers the use of a small harpsichord which I've always wanted to play.  He then enfolds me in his arms and kisses my face and neck.  I melt into his caress but hold back from kissing him on the mouth.
Besides that moment of shame, I am willing and eager to join the Animus in what used to be a strong passion for me...playing music on the piano.  He is coming to lead me back to that place and also to re-awaken the sensual parts of my body and soul that have been shut down.  In the session, I was concerned about the moment when I stop...where I feel the shame about kissing him on the mouth.  I had lots of negative feedback in my last relationship about kissing and those messages continue to bring about the shame response.  Christa explained to me that this was the moment when my trauma was being triggered and instead of chastising myself about it I should take that feeling and go to the Animus telling me how beautiful I am.  Just that simple.  It helped me a lot to acknowledge the importance of how the trauma from the past continues to manifest in my life.  When  I get stopped from opening up and being vulnerable...by shame or fear...that it is the trauma response being triggered.  And all I have to do is to notice that here it is....this is my trauma...and go towards my homework.  It really was the first time that I could take in the fact that horrible things happened to me in the past and I had to shut down those feelings in order to survive. It was not my fault...I was not to blame...and there was no other way to cope.  Instead of judging and blaming myself, I can use these moments as an opportunity to feel that radiant, beautiful soul that has been hidden for so long behind those walls. I am now in a process of letting go and though it is painful and sad I have such wonderful assurances from the Archetypes that this is truly where I need to be...and that there is a way through.