Uncovering another layer.....self hate.

The Way Out

                                      

                                            
                                                   Detail of the Naked Girl

In my last session with Christa, besides working the dream of the dog, green and vessel, I had two other dreams of the Animus and the girl...and another one which hinted at a place where the pathology was still hiding out.  In this dream I am swimming naked in a pond and one of my students come to join me.  I want her to join me naked in the pond as I am curious to see what her body looks like under all the layers of clothes.  Instead she wears a black bathing suit and I am disappointed.

So the question is...what part of me still hides out wearing the black bathing suit? Where do I still feel shame and where do I keep my soul self  hidden.  Christa advised me to be on the lookout for this in my life...as it keeps me from being the dancing girl, the rose heart and the vessel...with Him.

How this was triggered recently...I sent Christa an email sharing my new blog post with the collage of the dog, green door and the vessel  and a poem that I wrote about the feelings that came up when making the collage.
She responded with affirmation about the beauty of the collage but said nothing about the  poem.  In roughly two seconds after reading her email I first felt the twinge of  disappointment about the poem and then I went straight into nihilism about the validity of my writing.   I believed that the poem was truly heartfelt in my yearning for the Animus but then the voices came in and said that it was all crap, bullshit.  Maybe it was?  I really don't know. The doubt and self judgement are there almost instantly.  I couldn't even take in that she liked my collages.  This self hate/self judgement feels like I have fallen down a deep, dark well and there is no way out.  I vow never to write again and want to hide away in my shame. The walls close in, everything becomes flat and I just want to numb myself in sleep.
 There is something here for me in the vulnerability that comes up when I risk showing my feelings and when they are not validated.   I can't bear the rejection and I go back into the desert.  That place of icy numbness with thick walls of stone that keep me from the pain of not being valued.  Another layer of old pain that I have been afraid to face.
After a day and night of being back in that prison, I set to work on finding my connection again and the way out.  I worked on another collage about what it feels like to be numb and frozen and then how it feels to be on the sailboat with the man and dancing with the girls.  I sat in that place of extreme vulnerability and nakedness and felt how scary and shaky it is for me to show this side of me to the world.  I have worked hard  my whole life to be the best weaver, the best teacher, the best daughter, the most devoted friend.....all to avoid the pain of what it feels like to be small, helpless, needy and weak.  My judgement and self hate has been far greater then anyone else could ever bestow upon me, and I have kept that adroitly hidden so that no one would ever know how fragile and scared I really am.  I now want to show this side of me to the world....like the girl in the circle of fire ... in her nakedness with nothing to hide.

ps....after another night's reflection on this issue of self hate, I can also see that not wanting to face the truth about myself encourages these pathologic voices to keep me hiding from the pain. In the case with Peter...I have had the hardest time letting go of him ....not only for the love that I still feel for him...but primarily because I can not face the pain of knowing that he now loves someone else and not me.  I have been able to feel the pain  losing  my companion of 7 years and come to some acceptance about the new life that he has found.   But having to face the reality of myself not being the chosen one ....I couldn't go there.  This self hate  doesn't want me to feel the pain of not being loved and I have not been willing to go under that layer to feel the real pain that is about  my separation from God. As I let this new pain unfold in my heart I begin to find some sweet compassion for the naked girl.

The Dog, The Door and the Vessel.....

The Dog, the Door and the Vessel

My New Dream:
I am with a dog and we have been traveling to get somewhere through the dark...sometimes on some very scary roads. We arrive at this place with a green door and once inside we are welcomed. I am asked to speak about my journey, and as I begin, my heart fills and I start to cry. I say that I am now a vessel that the spirit of God can work through.

My work now is to keep turning to the Animus ....to do our work together on the inside and in the world.

A new poem....

In my longing....
my aching longing,
for a partner on this earth,
I turn to you.

But the wall that separates us is thick and vast.
Slowly, patiently
with chisel in hand, I start to chip away this wall
Stone by stone.

In moments of desperation I tear at those rocks with my bare hands...
fingers bleeding,
knuckles scraped,
hands raw.
My free flowing tears melting away the crusty old mortar.

Then at last the doorway is revealed.
A green door beckons.
I can feel your hand on mine as I turn the latch.

Beyond the doorway there are shadows and the way is not completely clear....
but a shining vessel appear in the darkness.
I am drawn to come closer,
and inside floating on the water is a rose.

I bend down to smell its sweet, fragrant scent
and then I bury my face in its silken petals that gently caress my cheek.

I breathe,
I feel,
I am falling, falling,
merging, melting,

and then the rose and I are one.

(Detail of the rose.)

....and then there's the music.....

One of my favorite parts of the Rooting Shen treatments is how the music aligns so perfectly with what is happening at the acupuncture point and more importantly with what is happening with me on the inner level at that moment.
For a month before the treatment I worked hard to collect over 200 songs and it was a pretty eclectic selection that I ended up with. A few days before leaving I had watched the movie Mamma Mia! and been so invigorated and enlivened by the music that I tried to add the whole soundtrack to my collection before I left but was thwarted by my lack of techno savvy.   Once I got to Whitefield though, Meg was able to help me and we were able to down load the whole soundtrack just minutes before the treatment began.

So then the moment arrives when I lay down on the table... push the shuffle button and the treatment begins.  The theme of the music....and there really was a theme this time....was (just to cite a few...)

         uplifting ~  Hallelujiah by Handel & Leonard Cohen, Here Comes the Rain Again
         joyful ~ What a Wonderful World, For unto us a Child is Born, Belle
         body rocking ~ Michael Jackson, Elton John, BeeGees
         legs gyrating to the rhythm ~Dancing Queen (2x), Voulez Vous, Mamma Mia!
         arms conducting to the beat ~ Lay all your Love on me, Take a Chance on Me
         heart wrenching  ~  Blood of Eden, Little Sparrow, Top of the World
         heart filling ~ Cirque de Soleil: Aftermath, Flight, Battlefield, Threat, Storm; Angel of the Morning
               

Since I've been home I've continued to push the shuffle button and see what comes up for when I'm sitting having my morning oatmeal, getting ready for work or making dinner.  The Dancing Queen and Voulez Vous (from Mamma Mia!)  come up most regularly and I find myself dancing wildly around the living room, feeling my body start to heal more and more through the movement of dance.  In my session with Isabelle this last Wednesday I brought the Ipod and we used my treatment music to help in the guided meditation of what it means to be the Queen from the higher conscious.  Once again the songs seemed to coincide so perfectly with what I was feeling on the inside.  There were songs that resonated with "partnership, leadership, impeccable character, generosity of spirit and most exciting to me.....as the  5 Mamma Mia! songs came up again.....the dancing girl heart.  That seems to be the strongest message for me lately...to be the Dancing Girl/Queen with the heart bursting with life and joy.

Hands on Heart.....

                                                                 Hands on Heart

                                                    Detail of Rose Heart

Here is a bit more of my Rooting Shen treatment as things settle in and begin to take shape.  Instead of acupuncture needles, this time Taylore and Noah just held their hands over the main points - Noah on the heart point and Taylore on the stomach meridian.  For four hours their hands stayed in these places and at various times my hands covered theirs and I was able to add to the energy being focused there.  The simple beauty of a laying on of hands....hands covering hands....hands holding hands....brought a peace and healing to my heart and soul that I could never have imagined.  As a gazed on this collage last night before going to sleep I wrote this poem to try and express some of the miracle that is happening to me.


                                                       
                                  I see the light of a hundred candles burning brightly
                                          and feel the warmth of their glow.
                                  I feel your hands wrapped around my heart...
                             my tender wounded heart that has felt so barren and empty.
                                       With the warmth of your gentle hands
                               I feel the heart soften and the  wounds begin to heal.
                                         Like the petals of a rose, there is a gradual unfolding
                                                     as the center begins to unfurl.
                                                       Letting in light, joy and love.
                            I have walked a long, lonely road trying to find my way back to you.
                                        I have traveled through dark and scary places...
                                            filled with horror and relentless misery.
                              But the light of a hundred candles and the blossoming of the rose
                                                  are guiding me slowly back to you.