Jumping in the Water.....

                                                           Jumping in the Water


A few days ago I had this dream....

I am married to the Duke of York (Colin Firth in the King's Speech) and he has just been made King George VI and therefore I am now his Queen.  I am so excited about this and can't wait to really step into this new relationship with him.  Then someone informs on me about telling a lie and I am sent to prison.  I am completely distraught and not sure if I will be there for a month or a year.  Christa then comes to visit me and I tell her the story of lying to the man who came to repossess Peter's van and how badly I feel about doing that.  My loyalty to Peter over-rode my conscience and I did what I did for fear of his being upset with me.  Outside of the cell, Marc in on the phone doing a session berating the person on the line for not turning to the Animus in all things.  I feel that he is really speaking to me.

When I woke from this dream I reflected back on the situation that this dream was addressing...my lying about Peter's van.  For the record....I have kept Peter's van hidden in my barn here at Lone Rock while he is in France.  He had stopped making payments on it before he left and wasn't sure what to do with it.  We did discuss the possibility that the Bank might come and try to repossess it but we/I would cross that bridge when or if the time came.  I also expected that Peter would be back in mid March to rid me of this responsibility.  A few weeks ago though, when I cam home from work there was a man waiting in my driveway with a big truck and trailer looking for Peter Fischer and a Ford van.  I must have lied convincingly because he finally left empty handed and a bit befuddled.  As I watched him go, my heart was pounding in my chest, I was drenched in sweat and my legs trembling so hard that I could hardly walk.  I know now that I was deep in my trauma in that moment   And the moments before when I put aside my conscience and tried to do the "right thing" for Peter so that I would not have to feel his rejection of me if I let the man take his van away.  That was a moment where I could have felt my fear of rejection and jumped in the water.

It is stupid really, because I know that Peter wouldn't even think of finding fault with me for doing this but because I'm still stuck in this prison of fear of rejection I can't see or feel the truth.  As I sat with this dream, the morning after, I felt the fear of that old wound and the tears came in waves of sorrow for a long time.  I have been so, so scared of that old hurt.  The feeling of rejection has been engrained in every cell and it rules almost everything that I do.  But now....

I am sick to death of being in this prison!!
I want to be the queen with my beloved King George VI.
I want to let my tears wash away this old hurt and pain.