On Monday at work I was triggered back into the trauma by something very tiny and it seems that since I have agreed to "go all the way" this winter, my nerves are so raw and exposed that the slightest event can send me plummeting. Which is a good thing actually but in the moment it still feels like torture. In this instance the trigger was about me feeling inadequate and not good enough and was quickly accompanied by not being able to breath and a pain in my chest. And then this overwhelming feeling of heaviness that made it such an effort to be present and engaged. My familiar nihilistic friend I got through the rest of the work day and when I got home the physical symptoms still continued so I just went to bed. Through the body tremors and ragged breaths I went down in again and found a place of pain that was where I took on enormous guilt and shame for having made a made decision...doing a bad thing. Maybe I was even shunned or cast out by my community....who knows...but in any event I was hard enough on myself that what others thought didn't even matter. I felt this poor stricken soul who made a grievous mistake and who has never been atoned or forgiven....mostly by herself. This was the message from my last Rooting Shen treatment which had so eluded me.....atonement and forgiveness. So simple but not so simple. I have carried this guilt as my penance through all of this lifetime and who knows how many others. I go out of my way to make sure people like me and do not shun me because the pain would be unbearable. The pain was unbearable.
I finally found a homework connection that allowed me to fall asleep but I prayed for help and forgiveness fervently before drifting off. And then I was given this dream....
I am walking with Peter in a wood and when we come to this body of water he strips off his clothes and jumps in for a swim. I long to go in the water as well but it is deep and dark and cold and I am afraid. I await at the edge with a towel for him when he comes out.
When I woke in the morning with this dream in my head I decided to go out for a walk to reflect on its message. As I crossed over the snowy field I realized that Peter was coming as the Animus to show me how to do this next step....feel the fear and go into the water. No pondering, no dithering, no hesitation. Just do it. That it was Peter coming to help me just broke my heart open and the long awaited sobs came at last. The Archetypes knew the one soft spot, the one hidden chink in my armor where they could shoot the arrow that would blow the chains apart. My love for Peter. And it was in this place of unguarded vulnerability that I could feel the spark of love that would raise me from the dead. As I circled the Moon field I cried and cried and at home in the shower and in private moments at work. I thanked God for the beauty of such a simple dream that was finally thawing the ice around my frozen heart. The energy of life returned as the nihilism retreated in the face of my true feelings. What an incredible relief that was! I had a session with Christa that afternoon and I was able to open even further and start to understand more of where I have been and now where I am going. The triggers will still come, and no doubt the moments of darkness and despair....but now I have a powerful, wonderful homework of following Peter into the water. Feeling my fear and jumping into the mysterious water where I will unite with my soul again in the glorious underworld of feelings.
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