Honing my Edge.....

Last week my headaches and physical pain returned after a two week hiatus and I wondered where had I gone astray.  In my work life we were in the midst of a serious deadline and my response to that was to go  down that old familiar road of what I call my "independent-do it-yourself-ness".  Since I had been feeling so much better lately, I decided to ignore my homework of trusting the Animus in my business, and forge on ahead by myself.  I worked long hours, both days of the weekend and all the next week.  I was worried about my finances with no money coming in, and I couldn't afford to pay my workers to do what I could do myself.

 And I didn't trust Him to help me.

 I've never trusted anyone to help me.

 And so I paid the price of my unwillingness to be vulnerable with pain, more pain and isolation. I choose instead to go with the feelings of pride for doing something well and accomplishing something on my own,
forsaking the chance to be in a vulnerable, heart connecting relationship.
 This is a huge edge for me...trusting and asking for help.  It is a little bit easier when I am sick and disabled but when I'm feeling good and full of energy I just charge ahead heedless of everyone and everything in my way. Why is it so hard for me to accept the offer of the man in my dream?  What holds me back from letting things unfold with him by my side?
Each one of these questions is an opportunity to put my homework into practice and feel into a new way of being.  Vulnerable, open to partnership and humble.  I'm finding that the more I go deeper into my inner work the more it is necessary to slow down all my reactions.  It only takes a split second for me to take the wrong road and go at it alone.  I need to stop...take in what was just said or just happened...take a breath....and then find the true feeling.  Let the feeling be the polestar.  Feel the pain of past betrayals of trust ....the pain of being let down, abandonned, rejected.  All those hard feelings that I felt at one time or another and hardened myself against because it was easier to go it alone. I need to believe in his love for me and take the risk to trust that he will be there for me, with me, at all costs.