Woke up this morning feeling almost hungover....from the lack of sleep of the past few days, a migraine coming on and just the general after effects of all the emotional upheaval. I also feel the familiar heaviness of depression and despair about having to get through another work day. I am feeling no joy, nothing to look forward to, no excitement.
My work and home life feel so flat and lifeless. I go out to bring in kindling from the back porch to start the stove and am caught feeling a heart pain remembering that Peter made this kindling for me before he left. There it is....the pain of losing Peter/my child. It is what is just under the surface of this general malaise. I stop and let this pain in and slowly start to make the switch from making the pain about Peter to feeling it as the loss of my soul. I can use these little heart wrenching memories and remembrances to open to the pain and take it to the Animus.
I sit and feel the pain of loss and then go to my homework of feeling beautiful and radiant. At first I can't find a thread to the feeling. Then I try to move from the image (which is usually what I start with) and try to feel it in the body. Feel the radiance moving around my heart softening the pain. I realize that there is a disconnect between my body and my mind. I think that the trauma that I have been holding in has found it's way in to every cell in my body and there is a massive resistance to feeling anything except physical pain. I need help with this. I need to feel the love that the Animus has for me so that I can take my pain to Him and let him transform it into something else..like love. More work to do and doors to open.
Later....I had an email from Peter today while he is enroute back to France. We have made peace with each other and soon he will write a blog post about how this new love came to be. I fear it and welcome it at the same time. I am slowly coming to terms with his new situation and the pain is less....or the pain is where it should be...with me and my loss.
I am still caught in some lowness of spirit and am feeling very cast down with my life. I want to feel my own joie de vivre again but it seems that I still need to be here in this place of sadness and fragility. I have to trust that this is where I need to be and that something will start to move inside me to find the light at the end of the tunnel. Right now all is darkness and I am so weary of this life. Is this the dark night of the soul? All I can do is do my homework, await another dream and see what tomorrow brings.
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