All this past week I counted the days and hours until the weekend so that I could stop having to show up at work and hide my broken heart. Yesterday...Saturday....I was in bed a lot of the day with a headache but when I did get up I felt my aloneness so keenly that I went down to work anyway and hung out with Taylore and Penny while they worked on their projects. Back at home for the evening I tried to find my homework feeling of being radiantly beautiful or the secondary piece of being the chosen bride of the Animus. I started work on another collage and then lost myself in a movie for a few hours. When I did shut off all the distractions, I could feel this heart gripping pain just under the surface and I could almost open up to the tears. Something still holds them back....there is some "No" in there that let's me feel this dull, persistent ache but never the release of it. I wish, I pray that I could just break down and cry.
Feeling tired and worn down I went to bed early and lay in bed trying to find an escape in sleep. I was suddenly aware that I was in pitch darkness and all alone. I was not asleep...nor was I dreaming but it felt like some kind of waking vision. The feeling of aloneness was profound and I could sense that I was on a raised piece of land .....not exactly a hill.....but I could see all around me on all sides. It was night and chilly and my skirt and shawl were being whipped about by the wind. In the distance I saw the remains of a burning building and I knew that I had survived whatever had happened there. I was alive but my heart was dead.....and I was all alone.
When the images disappeared, I was left with that feeling of being all alone with a heart that can't feel anymore
and a loss that has been projected out into the world for lifetimes. I knew then for a certainty that there is not a thing or a person on this earthly plain that can ever fill that hole in me and that my only salvation must come from within. I have not given up on someday finding a partner to share the rest of this life's journey but until my heart is healed of this pain I am no good for anyone.
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