It's all about the Man.....

 

 

 

A Contented Life

 This past March when I had a Rooting Shen treatment in Maine the "theme" or message from the treatment was that    "it was not about the man!"  In this case, the man was a man in my outer life who I had put in front of my own soul needs and was essentially hiding behind because I was afraid of feeling the pain of loss. The dream that I took to the treatment was about being the Queen -  not standing behind or below the King, but by his side as an equal....and to do this I had to face into my fear of pain.
The work that I did over the next few months was all about coming into the kingdom of my soul self and finding the feelings that I had buried over the course of my life. Much of this work was concerned with facing into trauma pain and taking the steps to turn from the horror to the love.
Now the dreams are reflecting this shift  and I am meeting "the Man" and finding a union with him that surpasses all other experiences that I have had with men in both the inner and outer realms.

Dream:
I am with a group of people  -  some men, some women. There is a man who is a celebrity or prince and all the women want to be with him.  There is also a group of men who want to keep these women away from him.  All kinds of dramas ensue, with the women who try to be with him, and the men who try to keep them away.  I also want to be with him but I stand outside all of this drama and just wait.  I know that he has eyes for me too.  Finally we are in a car - hidden under some blankets while another man drives us away from the drama scene.  We reach for each other under the blankets and I am eager to have him inside of me.  When he does enter me I have an orgasm that feels like an explosion of volcanic energy!  Oblivious to the driver of the car I hold onto my man and keep inside me for what feels like hours.  I wonder and hope that I might get pregnant.  Then the dream  runs forward to the future and shows me married to this man and the mother of three or four children.  I am going off to get my hair cut and he is in the bath.  I ask him to look after the children, who are all running around wildly, and he smiles. I smile in return.  I feel vastly contented with my life.

As I feel into this Divine union with Him I am finding more and more parts of my soul that have been inaccessible to me.  The horror and terror that I witnessed which caused my soul self to flee and lay hidden, are now the portals through which I can pass through to find the myriad of feelings that were denied to me.
I am turning away from the suffering and misery and towards the passion, excitement, the contentedness, and the joy.  I want to feel everything...all the good feelings, and what I judged in the past to be bad.  I want to embrace them all and let them all flow through me.  In my last session with Isabelle she mentioned that there are over 50 feelings that we can experience.  All of them are probably variations on the big three....Fear, Pain and Love...but to me they are wonderous in their variety.  I started to make a list of the feelings that have shown up in my dreams over the years and that I have more or less repressed in preference to staying in the nihilism.  Wonder, awe, bliss, agony, ecstasy, expectation, disappointment, frustration, impatience, rapture, humility, gratitude, generosity, loneliness, compassion, tenderness, boisterous, adored, full, energized, jubilant, cranky, jealousy, envy, angry, scared, horriffed, terrified, scorned, unwanted, shunned,  frozen, numb, radiant, beloved....the list goes on and on.  Oh, what a gift it is to reclaim these parts of myself.  I feel an aliveness in my body and spirit that is new and overwhelmingly beautiful....and it is all because of Him.

Oh my God...it's you!!!

The work from my session two and a half weeks ago was to be obedient.  Not only to my dreams, but to the advice of Christa, my therapist, as well.  For in her candid but firm manner, she told me that if I didn't do what the dreams were trying to show me, she would resign!  And so...because I trust her implicitly and because I do want to keep moving forward in my work, I did what was asked of me.
Which was basically to let go of something...someone...who I have been using as a foil to feeling my pain.
So I obeyed ...I did what was being asked of me to do...but because I felt a "tiny" piece of resistance in the doing...the pathology got a hand hold and morphed my pain into nihilism.  My particular flavor of nihilism still allows me to function in the world ....just barely....so that I can get up and go to work and be somewhat productive in day.  Inside though there is an ache in my heart that results from the shut down and by the end of the day my head aches as well and I usually go home and go to directly to bed.  The symptoms of my lyme disease are also very much exaggerated by these attacks of nihilism and in this stage of my Rife treatments I end up  nearly incapacitated.  There are days when I can't go to work...when I must stay in bed all day...sleeping or just looking out the window.  Gazing out upon the most beautiful summer weather that we have had in years and cringing at how narrow and forlorn my life has become.  I am so tired that it hurts just to move and I feel like I am in a prison where the voices in my head are urging me closer and closer to taking my own life.  They tell me that I will never be well again...in fact, I am getting sicker from these treatments, not better...so why not end it all and be done with it.
When I came to this place of wanting my life to be over, something shifted inside and I could at least find the energy to pray.  I prayed for help....to God, to the Animus, to my Dad...to anyone out there who was listening.
I still couldn't get to the pain....wasn't that the whole point of being obedient???...but I could open my dream journal and re-read the dream that my homework came from.  The homework that I had not even remotely taken a step towards in these past two weeks.  Why??? Because there is something about having to let go and feel loss that triggers my trauma of losing my beloved and I instinctively will not go there. It is easier
 to stay shut down in the nihilism then to feel the pain.  Also my connection is still very tenuous and by the time that I can take the step of turning to Him, the pathology has rushed in ahead of me and turned me back to Hell.  But this time I was able to get there first....or at least I turned to the dream and made an attempt to feel my homework.

The Dream:
I am being pursued by a man who I think is going to rape and kill me.  I go into this house to evade him and hide in the bedroom ....placing a knife under the pillow just in case. He comes in through the door and something in my body recognizes him and I feel this instant physical attraction.  He leads me to the bed and I can hardly wait to embrace him.  But then I have to pee and go off to find the bathroom.  He follows me in and sits and chats to me while I'm on the toilet.  It feels like I have known him for years.  We then go back to the bed and lie down naked together.
Homework:  Feel the physical attraction to Him and stay with Him on the bed.

At first I don't want to feel the physical part...the attraction, the intimacy in the bathroom, the laying together naked.   I am scared shitless of all this and there is a big NO there. Something inside that says ..."Nope...I had all this, it was taken away from me in the most brutal manner and I will not risk ever having these feelings again.  But I go back to my dream of watching my beloved's execution where I also felt the most profound feelings of love and support, and then I realize....Oh my God...it's you!  It is my beloved that was pursuing me and comes to the bedroom.  It is he that my body recognizes immediately with an energy that can't be denied.  "It's Him, it's Him!! As I melt into this knowing , I can feel his arms around me.  I feel held in the most supported manner imaginable.  I can open my heart, I can banish the despair and I can feel the sweet, softness of pain that allows the tears to come.

I feel released from a bondage that seems to be more toxic and deadly each time that I encounter it.  I wonder why I choose this kind of suffering and misery over these feelings of love and connection?  Why it is so hard to break free and find my way back? I decide not to judge myself harshly over this...it is part of my journey and I can only feel blessed in this moment that I am back among the living.