Fine Tuning

                                                           Feeling His love for me

This past week my work has continued with looking at the places where I get stopped by my vulnerability and also to feel into my new relationship with the Animus.  Today at this moment I am feeling very loved and supported by Him but I know that there are still more edges to confront and more buried feelings  to come to the surface.  I had a dream this week of cleaning a dirty bathroom so I know that some of the old shame still lingers. As I begin to trust and look to the Animus more and more in my outer life I am also aware that there are still some doors that are closed to him.  Most notably those to do with sensuality, but there is also a stubborn streak of independent, self sufficiency that I cling to like a ship wrecked sailor holding on to the remains of a life boat.  In my life in the world right now I am living alone without a partner.  Although it can be
difficult in terms of finances and house maintenance, I value this time to focus my total attention on building a relationship with my own soul and God.  My dreams have changed greatly over the past six months as I descended down into those places of wounding and trauma that have left me so isolated.  The lifetime avoidance of this pain had resulted in a wariness of intimacy with men, a collusion with darkmother type women and untold amounts of physical suffering.  In truth, I had to be dragged kicking and screaming all the way down that dark stairway to face what lay below...but bit by bit, dream by dream my will was broken and my heart opened.
So here I am having come through another doorway.....where I'm actually getting married to the Animus
and he wants to be a part of my business.  I feel all aglow when I hug him and take his suggestion for us to set up two looms in the same room so that we can work together .  I feel excitment about the possibilities of working as a team and not having to bear all the burden myself.  But can I go all the way with him?  Can I
really surrender all my will to him and trust in him completely??  Ironically in the dream the Animus is a gay man from Minnesota who is a weaving friend of Norman's.  He is sweet and kind and full of enthusiasm  for weaving and for life .  So why would the Animus come as a gay man?  It is because he is safer that way?  We can be great friends, platonic partners.  Just like Peter and I ended up being ...which was ok for me, but not for him.
So now I take another step in....to find those places in my life where I feel unworthy and scared of rejection if I risk being myself.  Since I don't have a partner right now to mirror this for me I need to look to my other relationships in the world and use them as my polishing tool. And I need to keep feeling His love for me more then anything else.