Demons in the Shadows I was halfway through this blog post about my recent struggle with my fear demons when the phone rang. While I was on the phone the computer phased out and I lost everything that I had written. Maybe it was a sign that it was all crap anyway. I tried to rewrite what I had done and I found myself getting very tired and bored with all my droning on about what I am afraid of and how it rules my life. The phone call, as it turns out, was from my new oncologist telling me that the cancer marker blood test that I had this week is lower then the previous one. It is still higher then the normal range but it has gone down instead of up. What good news that was!
Instead of jumping into the next series of tests and procedures I told the doctor that I want to wait for three months and see what things are like at that point and then we can decide the next step. I felt really enlivened and uplifted by being able to make my own decision about this and know in my heart that I am doing the right thing.
So what was my point with asking the question above....about living a life without fear. This past week I lived out the opposite of that possibility and I got to see how miserable it is. I also got to
see that I am going to falter and not always been in the man's arms going over the falls but that
there is always the next moment when I can reach for that place. When I say "no" to the fear of those bullying demons I feel this new energy moving through my body. I could ride a bike for miles or even skate a marathon. I feel a peace of mind that is like listening to the waves wash in and out on the shore. There is a stillness in my being like standing outside on a moonlit winter night. For me, a life without fear is mostly about standing still and not running away.
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