Back in the trenches.....

The voices of the pathology have been relentless since receiving this newest tidbit about me possibly having cancer. The anxiety of others to my plight has added fuel to the fire and I ended up being very far away from going over the waterfall with the Animus. I began to believe all the horrible lies about how my life is over and the only thing that I have to look forward to is pain and more pain. In the middle of all this deception and despair there was a tiny spark of anger that has moved me to reconnect with both my homework of surrendering to the fall and that of being with the small girl and baby boy from another dream. In that dream I am drawn to a young girl who is working on a drawing and a small baby boy comes to sit in my lap as I watch her. The love that I feel for them broke my heart open to the pain of how separate I am from that part of myself. How the years of tending to others and all my worldly distractions has created a gulf that I thought I might never be able to cross. Sitting on top of that pain is an anger that I am hope can give me the energy to fight back these voices of nihilism and shame. I want to crush this part of me that keeps me running in the same old circles. I want to be transformed into something different. I don't want to talk about my health, my headaches, my treatment, my remedies. I want to go over those falls into the unknown and find my heart's desire.