I am enjoying some new transformations in my body these past few weeks and it has me feeling almost intoxicated! The pain and headaches have vanished and there is a flow of energy that I haven't experienced in years. My mind is freed from the chains of that old torment and my heart feels light and full of joy. I have become engaged in life again...I have a re-newed interest in my work...I want to go for walks...I want to cook...and I want to be with people again. I'm not entirely sure what has happened to effect these changes but I feel as if I have returned to the land of the living.
In my last session with Christa we worked many dreams; some which were of my openness with the Animus and his support - which affirmed my surrender of going over the waterfall, and others which showed where I can still get sidetracked and stopped. Where there is still a crack where the dark mother can find her way in. In one of those dreams I am riding my bike over the Golden Gate bring in San Francisco going to work. When I get there I realize that I am hours late and that I have forgotten my work shoes. Instead of going back for the shoes and torturing myself for being late, I make my apologies and bag the whole work thing altogether. I go to visit a man friend who lives nearby and we spend the rest of the day together having a wonderful time. As it gets late I decide that I'd like to spend the night with him but....and here's the crack....I worry about what my mother will think about me not coming home. In the dream I do go home but when my mother starts hollering about where I've been, I stand up and start hollering back at her. I am feeling so angry that she still wants to run my life ...and for god's sake....I'm 58 years old!
The anger is good. I am finally standing up for myself....my right to live the life that feels true to me. But why do I get stopped in that crucial moment of wanting?? There is a moment of extreme vulnerability where I feel scared that I will be rejected if I ask for what I want. Then the shame comes in and the dark mother can have a field day with me. So this is the moment that no matter how scared I am I must speak out. I must ask for what I want and honor my needs and desires. This is who I am. This is who I am. I keep repeating this over and over like a mantra and I can feel the fire building inside that allows me to shout it out.
I am getting to see in my life how this dynamic with the dark mother plays out in relation to my recent health crisis. With the telling to friends and family of my possible cancer diagnosis, I am getting lots and lots of advice about how to deal with it and what I should do. I have an instinct about what is going on in my body and when I share how I plan to work through this I often get vehement reactions against this idea. I then feel a surge of anger energy rise up in my chest and I very clearly speak what is true for me. In the past I would have acquiessed and agreed....to afraid to rock the boat. But not now. I am standing up and speaking out.
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