Stuck in the moment of Horror

Sunday ~ May 27, 2012

Since my last session where I worked the dream of witnessing my beloved's execution I have been stuck in the numbed out place of darkness.  I was able to feel the terrible pain of loss while in Christa's presence but then on my own I could not find my way back there.  On Sunday I was having a skype conversation with my friend Rose and I related to her my feelings of being stuck in the nihilism.  She then said..."it takes enormous love and courage to witness your beloved's execution, so be easy on yourself."  Those few words ...the love and courage...found a crack in the wall and I could finally feel the "ouch" that let the tears start to flow. I realized today that I carry this pain with me always and more often then not I am completely closed off to it.  It is right under the surface of every breath that I take and it has taken so much energy to keep it buried.  Perhaps this never ending physical pain is this unfelt heart pain that I have not been able to access until now.  Even those few moments of feeling a shred of that pain today becomes so quickly inaccessible.  How to keep that door open...that is my work right now.  To go back to that terrible moment...it is dark...there is fear...there is a crowd of angry, aggressive energy.  I am filled with terror.  There are torches lighting the scaffold...a smoky, resinous smell.  I feel the anxiety of impending doom.  The man that I love...who is all the world to me...my spiritual brother...my one true love...is calmly awaiting his fate.  Our gazes lock...there is a strength in him that is passed to me.  A message that says..."Be strong, my love...this is not the end...we will be reunited...our love will endure.  Do this deed for me.  I will feel your love with your hands holding back my head.  That will be my grace...to know that you are near.  Do not be afraid.  I know that you and I are one and we can never be parted, even in death".

But the darkness did envelop me...and quilt and shame became my persona.  My soul was damaged by this act.  I lost my faith.  I could not grieve or feel the pain of loss. I became numb and broken. I lost my way in the wilderness of despair.  Searching, always searching for my beloved and my faith.  Lifetime after lifetime.

And now the way is being shown to me.  I am at the end of a very long journey and my dreams keep pointing the way through the darkness and I follow their lead.  Take each new step as it comes and keep my faith even though I know not where it will take me next.

Monday ~ May 28, 2012

It is Memorial Day and I have a session with Isabelle at the end of the day.  When I drive through Montpelier to her office the roads are quiet...hardly any traffic...everyone off to some celebratory picnic enjoying the beautiful spring day.  I am feeling heavy and tired and long for the safety of her massage table where with her help I hope to re-connect to the dream and the loss.  She takes me back to the moment of holding my beloved's head back....throat exposed....ready for the knife.  I don't want to go any further ....don't want to see or feel what comes next.  Part of me wants to stay in the dark, denying that moment, pretending that it never really happened....that is was all a mistake.  I turn on my side, curled up in a fetal position with a blanket over my head.  I know that I have to do this so I take a breath and go back inside. There is a knife cut across his throat....a cry of anguish...and then blood.  Blood all over me as I hold his lifeless body.  Someone comes and takes the body away and I run and hide.  I can't bear the feelings...I won't feel this, I won't, I won't...and then my mind goes blank.
Isabelle is holding onto my feet to keep me grounded as she continues to guide me through the darkness to find some anchor to hold onto.  I find something there in the dark that takes me my surprise....anger.  Not just anger...but ANGER!!  She makes me stand up and work out this anger by thrashing a soft baseball bat-like thing onto the table as I yell and scream out loud.  It is hard work and part of me is resisting it.  I don't "do" anger and I am uncomfortable acting it out in this way.  But it is now out in the open and I am ready to welcome this feeling as another step along the way to finding the pain.  I drive home feeling spent and soon after I get home a migraine starts and I am in physical pain for the rest of the night.

Tuesday ~ May 29, 2012

I have a busy morning of an appointment with Dr. Pam and my Rife treatment and then my session with Christa.  As soon as I am in the car driving to town I feel the anger surfacing.  I am so angry that this had to happen to me...that God took away my beloved and left me alone to face the rest of my life with this pain.
As I say the words out loud, the tears come and I am awash in pain.  All through the adjustment with Pam, the tears are falling and she helps me to stay with my homework and gives me some advice about how to support my liver where this anger has been stored forever.  In my Rife treatment I feel something dying...not just the lyme spirochetes but the part of myself that has resisted all of these feelings of pain, loss, anger, love.
At the Pink House with Christa the pain and anger continue to unfold...the one blending in with the other...cries of rage mixed with tears and sobs.  Thank God, at last, the dam has broken.  In some strange way I feel cleansed and unraveled.  Exhausted but renewed. 

We work through some dreams that are showing me a major source of my stuckness in my outer life and then the new homework dream.  In that dream I am with a man called Scott, who is the first mate of the schooner, the J & E Riggin.  He has just gotten a letter from Jon and Annie, the captains of the Riggin and they are inviting him to the birth of their next child.  They feel that he is part of their family and want him to be there at the birth.  So...this is me...the new child of the archetypal family that is getting ready to be born.  The soul that has been waiting underneath the thick layer of trauma and is now ready to emerge into the love of the divine family.  I am just starting to take this all in .....there will of course be more...but for now I am just awed by the miracle of it and can add nothing further.
love,
kate