The title of this blog post came to me in a dream about a year ago and was to be the title of a book that I was to write about my inner journey in archetypal dreamwork. The writing of this blog has been an attempt to start sharing my inner work and express it in format that would eventually become the book that I had dreamt about.
All through this past winter and in the past 17 years of doing this work I have had dreams that showed bit by bit my original trauma and the separation of my soul from my divine self. Along the way there were scary,disturbing dreams that offered an opportunity to feel pain or fear and then not long after there would be a dream of grace that affirmed the archetypal support and encourage me to go deeper. The pace of this unfolding was determined by how diligently I did my homework and how ready I was to unravel the will of the ego that wanted to keep me still separate. It has been a slow process because for the longest time I was not willing to go into that well of pain. I planted my feet firmly at the edge of the chasm and said "No, No and more No"!
The circumstances of my life this past year....my being alone after seven years of a partnership and my declining health...have helped to push me past this "No" into the "Yes" and as a result, the dreams of horror increased in frequency as well as the dreams of grace. After my last session where I had a dream about my father coming to help stand by me as I descended in the dark of unknowing, something broke open in my heart and I was given the following dream.
Dream:
It is night and there is some kind of gathering going on. I go to find out what is happening and I see that a scaffold has been erected and a man who I know as a spiritual brother and my beloved is about to be killed.
I make my way to the front of the crowd and when he sees me and our eyes lock. There is such a physical attraction and heart connection that it takes my breath away. I'm not sure that I can watch what is going to come next as they pull back his head by his hair and bare his throat for the knife or axe. Then one of the executioners spies me and says that I, his sister, should do the next part.
Then all goes dark and I am stumbling on my hands and knees trying frantically to get away from something or someone. I am terrified ...not knowing where I am, where I am going...fearing that I might fall over a cliff or down into a deep hole. I then crash into something that I think is a pig stye and there is all this racket and squealing of baby pigs. Something keeps attaching to my breast and I keep pulling it off. Then a man comes with a light and I see that the creature is just a small puppy. I take the puppy and go with the man to a small building where I just want to find a place to crawl into bed and sleep. I wonder for a moment where my parents are and if they will be worried that I don't come home but I just want to stay where I am and disappear into the oblivion of sleep. The man with the light then comes to tell me that my father is here and there is another gathering down the hill with a big fire and some dancing. I follow the man, bringing with me the puppy and hurry to meet up with my father....also hoping that my brother/beloved might not really be dead but there too to join me in the dancing.
I had this dream just a day after my session and it haunted me so profoundly that I called Christa for an emergency session because I knew that I couldn't wait for the next two weeks to be able to work it. The meaning was perfectly clear to me but I was in such a state of numbness that I was not able to feel any feelings around this incredible loss....only the sense of being thrust into the deepest darkness and denial. It is this denial that I have carried with me always....this denial of a loss so unbearably painful that the only way that I have found to endure it was to keep believing that maybe it wasn't true. But here in this dream were my dear father and my puppy/girl heart and with Christa's gentle help I finally accepted the truth and let my heart feel the pain of losing my beloved and maybe even participating in his demise. And so... I let myself feel at last, loss with a capital "L". The pain was agonizing in its intensity and left me feeling weak and drained but curiously I felt a freedom that allowed the love to surface and expand into love with a capital "L"!
I am now in a state of calm and contentment ....most of the time anyway...and when I do find myself slipping into the darkness I find the puppy and take the hand of my father to make my way back through the pain to the love. I find that I am wanting to remember more and more this blissful union that I once felt with the beloved. To step beyond the horror and experience the joining of heart and soul in the arms of the divine. I have crossed the threshold and He is there waiting.
The Horror.....
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