Oh my God...it's you!!!

The work from my session two and a half weeks ago was to be obedient.  Not only to my dreams, but to the advice of Christa, my therapist, as well.  For in her candid but firm manner, she told me that if I didn't do what the dreams were trying to show me, she would resign!  And so...because I trust her implicitly and because I do want to keep moving forward in my work, I did what was asked of me.
Which was basically to let go of something...someone...who I have been using as a foil to feeling my pain.
So I obeyed ...I did what was being asked of me to do...but because I felt a "tiny" piece of resistance in the doing...the pathology got a hand hold and morphed my pain into nihilism.  My particular flavor of nihilism still allows me to function in the world ....just barely....so that I can get up and go to work and be somewhat productive in day.  Inside though there is an ache in my heart that results from the shut down and by the end of the day my head aches as well and I usually go home and go to directly to bed.  The symptoms of my lyme disease are also very much exaggerated by these attacks of nihilism and in this stage of my Rife treatments I end up  nearly incapacitated.  There are days when I can't go to work...when I must stay in bed all day...sleeping or just looking out the window.  Gazing out upon the most beautiful summer weather that we have had in years and cringing at how narrow and forlorn my life has become.  I am so tired that it hurts just to move and I feel like I am in a prison where the voices in my head are urging me closer and closer to taking my own life.  They tell me that I will never be well again...in fact, I am getting sicker from these treatments, not better...so why not end it all and be done with it.
When I came to this place of wanting my life to be over, something shifted inside and I could at least find the energy to pray.  I prayed for help....to God, to the Animus, to my Dad...to anyone out there who was listening.
I still couldn't get to the pain....wasn't that the whole point of being obedient???...but I could open my dream journal and re-read the dream that my homework came from.  The homework that I had not even remotely taken a step towards in these past two weeks.  Why??? Because there is something about having to let go and feel loss that triggers my trauma of losing my beloved and I instinctively will not go there. It is easier
 to stay shut down in the nihilism then to feel the pain.  Also my connection is still very tenuous and by the time that I can take the step of turning to Him, the pathology has rushed in ahead of me and turned me back to Hell.  But this time I was able to get there first....or at least I turned to the dream and made an attempt to feel my homework.

The Dream:
I am being pursued by a man who I think is going to rape and kill me.  I go into this house to evade him and hide in the bedroom ....placing a knife under the pillow just in case. He comes in through the door and something in my body recognizes him and I feel this instant physical attraction.  He leads me to the bed and I can hardly wait to embrace him.  But then I have to pee and go off to find the bathroom.  He follows me in and sits and chats to me while I'm on the toilet.  It feels like I have known him for years.  We then go back to the bed and lie down naked together.
Homework:  Feel the physical attraction to Him and stay with Him on the bed.

At first I don't want to feel the physical part...the attraction, the intimacy in the bathroom, the laying together naked.   I am scared shitless of all this and there is a big NO there. Something inside that says ..."Nope...I had all this, it was taken away from me in the most brutal manner and I will not risk ever having these feelings again.  But I go back to my dream of watching my beloved's execution where I also felt the most profound feelings of love and support, and then I realize....Oh my God...it's you!  It is my beloved that was pursuing me and comes to the bedroom.  It is he that my body recognizes immediately with an energy that can't be denied.  "It's Him, it's Him!! As I melt into this knowing , I can feel his arms around me.  I feel held in the most supported manner imaginable.  I can open my heart, I can banish the despair and I can feel the sweet, softness of pain that allows the tears to come.

I feel released from a bondage that seems to be more toxic and deadly each time that I encounter it.  I wonder why I choose this kind of suffering and misery over these feelings of love and connection?  Why it is so hard to break free and find my way back? I decide not to judge myself harshly over this...it is part of my journey and I can only feel blessed in this moment that I am back among the living.