I have been working daily at listening to any and all music to fill up my suggested requirement for my Starry Skies Rooting Shen treatment ...and it turns out that it is 13 CD's worth, not just 13 songs! Which is actually a relief because I am finding that it would have been extremely difficult to pick just 13. Another added bonus to this "homework" is that I have been enlisting the help of friends in this endeavor and there is a whole new bond of connecting as I accept their music gifts. Hearing their particular songs will remind me of all the love and support that I have in this world and that my healing will really be a group effort.
In my last body work session with Isabelle, the music piece was especially poignant and heart opening. In this treatment we were also working with the dream of my being trapped in the burning church and the moment of giving up my child who most certainly died a horrible death. When I shared with her my terrible guilt and shame over this, she was moved to focus on the child herself...the angel child, she called her. Stopped as I was by my "false guilt", I was unable to see and feel around that to the place where the child had actually ascended to God in heaven and was beyond all earthly pain and misery. She was just fine....it was me who was left to suffer. At that point Isabelle guided me into a reuniting with this angel child and the other three angel babies who had been destined to be my children in this lifetime who I choose to abort. Here was another place that I had shut down from all those years ago, locked the door and thrown away the key. A deep, dark secret that very few people in my life knew about and that I had never even remotely felt the pain of. As Isabelle spoke of these children and their destiny, she encouraged me to speak to them of my locked away grief and pain. But the wall was already down and firmly in place. I felt nothing...all was.blankness.....complete numbness. With my mind I could register relief that all these angel children were loved and taken care of...but I could feel nothing of my pain or regret. Then Isabelle put on a CD by Shaina Noll called "Song for the Inner Child. At that moment I didn't know the artist or the name of the CD but almost immediately the music pierced through my wall of nihilism and I could feel the first twinges of regret. I could say...I am so, so sorry. And then the tears and sobs came and Isabelle held me and I could finally break through to the pain. The CD played for the rest of the treatment and each song brought a new feeling to the surface while Isabelle worked with releasing the tension from my body. It was an incredibly powerful gift.
And then yesterday I heard from Taylore that there is an opening for me to come to the actual training session of Starry Skies with the whole group in Maine on the 24th of March. Three weeks from now....not two months away. I fear the fear of ...oh, my God....it's too soon...it's too big...it's so far away. But I said "Yes'...
I will do it! I'm not going to worry about how I am going to drive there ....or where I'm going to stay...or any of those logistical details. I have said yes and the big hand that is making all of this happen will work on that part too. Now all I need to do is to keep opening up to music!
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