In the box....

                                                                           In the Box

I had two relatively pain free days after my last post where I could really feel the momentum of being carried down a raging river with wild abandon. It was incredible to feel the energy and power of the water! The heart racing fear of not knowing what comes next and being completely out of control....and at the same time this feeling of excitement and exuberance. I was transported back to my days of white water canoeing and how I loved being in that heart racing, pushed to the limits place!
Then the steel doors slammed shut and I was back in the prison of my headaches where movement of any kind felt like torture. There was fear here too, in this pris0n, but more of a panicky - "I've got to get out of this pain" fear. I could see how desperate I became in an attempt to figure out how to make this pain go away. Downing supplements, taking a hot bath, doing yoga, taking dose after dose of Imitrex. I now recognize these feelings of panic as being in an old trauma where I was alone, in horrible pain and helpless. If I can get out of the prison of my mind,there are places I can now go when I am in that trauma. Where I can take a breath and feel some sense of comfort and support. Old homeworks where I am laying on an acupuncture table surrounded by loved ones or with my father feeling his hand in mine. For some reason this past lockdown ....which lasted four days...moved into nihilism and despair before I could find my way back to the river. The fatigue of my body and the demands of the world left me open to that familiar pathway and I lost my way from being in the kayak on the river to vegging on the couch numbing myself with a movie. Much to my surprise though...something about the relationship of the two people in the movie cracked my heart open and I cried and cried. Then that night I had a dream about being on another wild river, trapped on a barge heading towards going over a 50 foot waterfall....but this time with my beloved. The fear gripped me....I was scared out of my wits...I tried to find a way to escape.....but I stayed with my man.
What a gift that dream was.......