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| FIRE |
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| PLUS ICE |
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| EQUAL'S WATER |
Today the sky is clear and the sun is out and everything has a clarity to it's edges...especially the pine trees with the sunlight on them. The water is a new shade of blue today and I wish that I had been keeping a record of all the different shades of blue, grey, green, blue grey, blue green, almost black... with paint.
I awoke this morning feeling the immensity of the fact that I have been on this earth for almost 60 years...and for most of those years I have lived in a state of discontent and despair. As I finally begin to climb out of that prison, I can look back and start to feel the pain of regret for all of that lost time not fully lived. Not that my life has been a failure in societal terms....as I have had a satisfying career and many loving family and friends. But my soul needs and the health of the girl heart inside have always been pushed to the bottom of the list and as a result, I , as the adult have suffered terribly because of it. Not just in the ever present feelings of loneliness....even in both my marriages and long term partnership...but also in relentless physical pain. I have accomplished much, but it has always come at a price.
I know now, thanks to the dreamwork, that there was a great wall of trauma in front of my soul girl and my resistance to getting behind that wall has been unbreakable. Terrible bad things happened to me in another incarnation and I arrived in this present one with all of those memories intact. I vowed in the strongest way possible that I would never be subject to that kind of horror and terror again and so I stopped feeling anything that would open the door to those memories. That vow served me well in allowing me to survive and function in the world but that choice is now taking its toll on my physical and mental state. The pathologic pull that wanted to keep me hostage until my soul was utterly destroyed had almost succeeded. I could very easily have become another souless victim who found relief in drugs,antidepressants,alcohol,religion or suicide. In some ways I did numb myself with an addiction...that of overwork...proudly calling this my passion. I thank God, the archetypes, whoever that there was still the faintest ember of a flame inside that kept making itself felt and saying "yes" when all I really wanted to be saying was "No". Granted my "No" was alot stronger and more powerful then the "yes", but slowly, slowly, step by step the "yes" became stronger and more potent.
So...here I sit....gazing out onto Eggemoggin Reach....away from all the responsibilities of my life for 11 precious days. Eleven days to listen to my souls needs and wants. To feel what I/she wants to feel and to do what I/she wants to do. To be aware of self in the true way...not the ego who needs to be praised and loved for what it can give and do ....but the soul self who can just be. I am remembering my dream of the baby left out in the snow to freeze to death and how I have not really let in what it feels like to have kept that vital part of myself frozen in a block of ice for all these years. Because I do not know her truly....I don't know what I have missed. Because I have not let her be a part of me, I don't really know who she is. It's why it has been so easy to forget her....push her aside, shove her needs to the end of the list. How can I miss what I do not know? But that is really the tragedy of my life...to have lived almost 60 years without knowing who I really am. Not caring to know who I really am. I won't go into shame or blame about this because the lesson of this life for me was to face the wall of trauma and finally break through to the other side. But I will not waste another day of not embracing my self self and clasping her firmly to my heart. I will keep her no longer in the deep freeze...conviently out of the way...so that I don't have to feel the pain of her aliveness. Becuase with her being alive and whole in me then I will have to feel pain and loss...grief and sorrow...but also joy and contentment...awe and wonder.
Thank God for water.
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| Snake Bite |
After leaving my little paradise on Eggemoggin Reach, I drove down to Portland for a three day Archetypal Dreamwork Retreat. It was a smaller gathering then the retreats held here in Vermont at North of Eden,
but that suited me just fine. The two most important dreams that I brought to the retreat were as follows:
Dream: I am at the weaving school and two men have lifted up the dye shed and are cleaning out the space underneath it. They have dug a deep hold and are filling it with clean sand. They show me a pile of debris that they removed and it appears that someone was living under there. All of a sudden I see this enormous snake come slithering out of the foundation. It is covered in slime and I notice that at the head is an unborn fetus also covered in slime. I yell for Norman to come have a look but the thing has moved quickly and mounted a horse and ridden away. All that is left is the slime.
Dream: I am riding on a donkey in the last stage of labor. My husband Joseph finds a place for us to stop in an old barn. He is going to find a midwife but I tell him that there is no time...the baby is coming now!
Both dreams carried the feelings that there is something new that wants to be born in me. In the snake dream I get to feel the awe of this marvelous thing but also I get to notice how I immediately step aside from the experience and have "Norman" validate it for me. What is that all about? Good question and one that I need to keep in front of me as I do this re-birthing. In the second dream I was able to feel the fear of not knowing how to do this thing of giving birth...really feel it....and then have Joseph right there beside me giving me all the support that I need. When we worked this in the String Therapy, "Joseph" was behind me letting me lean into him as I struggled with the labor. The visceral connection of this leaning was something that finally made it into my consciousness. I have felt so alone in my fear ...especially lately...that having this solid
flesh and bone experience was an incredible gift.
Two incredible gifts to take back home with me to Vermont.
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