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| The Way Out |
Detail of the Naked Girl
In my last session with Christa, besides working the dream of the dog, green and vessel, I had two other dreams of the Animus and the girl...and another one which hinted at a place where the pathology was still hiding out. In this dream I am swimming naked in a pond and one of my students come to join me. I want her to join me naked in the pond as I am curious to see what her body looks like under all the layers of clothes. Instead she wears a black bathing suit and I am disappointed.
So the question is...what part of me still hides out wearing the black bathing suit? Where do I still feel shame and where do I keep my soul self hidden. Christa advised me to be on the lookout for this in my life...as it keeps me from being the dancing girl, the rose heart and the vessel...with Him.
How this was triggered recently...I sent Christa an email sharing my new blog post with the collage of the dog, green door and the vessel and a poem that I wrote about the feelings that came up when making the collage.
She responded with affirmation about the beauty of the collage but said nothing about the poem. In roughly two seconds after reading her email I first felt the twinge of disappointment about the poem and then I went straight into nihilism about the validity of my writing. I believed that the poem was truly heartfelt in my yearning for the Animus but then the voices came in and said that it was all crap, bullshit. Maybe it was? I really don't know. The doubt and self judgement are there almost instantly. I couldn't even take in that she liked my collages. This self hate/self judgement feels like I have fallen down a deep, dark well and there is no way out. I vow never to write again and want to hide away in my shame. The walls close in, everything becomes flat and I just want to numb myself in sleep.
There is something here for me in the vulnerability that comes up when I risk showing my feelings and when they are not validated. I can't bear the rejection and I go back into the desert. That place of icy numbness with thick walls of stone that keep me from the pain of not being valued. Another layer of old pain that I have been afraid to face.
After a day and night of being back in that prison, I set to work on finding my connection again and the way out. I worked on another collage about what it feels like to be numb and frozen and then how it feels to be on the sailboat with the man and dancing with the girls. I sat in that place of extreme vulnerability and nakedness and felt how scary and shaky it is for me to show this side of me to the world. I have worked hard my whole life to be the best weaver, the best teacher, the best daughter, the most devoted friend.....all to avoid the pain of what it feels like to be small, helpless, needy and weak. My judgement and self hate has been far greater then anyone else could ever bestow upon me, and I have kept that adroitly hidden so that no one would ever know how fragile and scared I really am. I now want to show this side of me to the world....like the girl in the circle of fire ... in her nakedness with nothing to hide.
ps....after another night's reflection on this issue of self hate, I can also see that not wanting to face the truth about myself encourages these pathologic voices to keep me hiding from the pain. In the case with Peter...I have had the hardest time letting go of him ....not only for the love that I still feel for him...but primarily because I can not face the pain of knowing that he now loves someone else and not me. I have been able to feel the pain losing my companion of 7 years and come to some acceptance about the new life that he has found. But having to face the reality of myself not being the chosen one ....I couldn't go there. This self hate doesn't want me to feel the pain of not being loved and I have not been willing to go under that layer to feel the real pain that is about my separation from God. As I let this new pain unfold in my heart I begin to find some sweet compassion for the naked girl.
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