Dreams of Horror, Dreams of Grace

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                                                                The Reckoning



The title of this blog post came to me in a dream about a year ago and was to be the title of a book that I was to write about my inner journey in archetypal dreamwork.  The writing of this blog has been  an attempt to start sharing my inner work and express it in  format that would eventually become the book that I had dreamt about.
All through this past winter and in the past 17 years of doing this work I have had dreams that showed bit by bit my original trauma and the separation of my soul from my divine self.  Along the way there were scary,disturbing dreams that offered an opportunity to feel pain or fear and then not long after there would be a dream of grace that affirmed the archetypal support and encourage me to go deeper.  The pace of this unfolding was determined by how diligently I did my homework and how ready I was to unravel the will of the ego that wanted to keep me still separate.  It has been a slow process because for the longest time I was not willing to go into that well of pain.  I planted my feet firmly at the edge of the chasm and said "No, No and more No"!
The circumstances of my life this past year....my being alone after seven years of a partnership and my declining health...have helped to push me past this "No" into the "Yes" and as a result, the dreams of horror increased in frequency as well as the dreams of grace.  After my last session where I had a dream about my father coming to help stand by me as I descended in the dark of unknowing, something broke open in my heart and I was given the following dream.

Dream:
It is night and there is some kind of gathering going on.  I go to find out what is happening and I see that a scaffold has been erected and a man who I know as a spiritual brother and my beloved is about to be killed.
I make my way to the front of the crowd and when  he sees me and our eyes lock. There is such a physical attraction and heart connection that it takes my breath away.  I'm not sure that I can watch what is going to come next as they pull back his head by his hair and bare his throat for the knife or axe.  Then one of the executioners spies me and says that I, his sister, should do the next part.
Then all goes dark and I am stumbling on my hands and knees trying frantically to get away from something or someone.  I am terrified ...not knowing where I am, where I am going...fearing that I might fall over a cliff or down into a deep hole. I then crash into something that I think is a pig stye and there is all this racket and squealing of baby pigs.  Something keeps attaching to my breast and I keep pulling it off.  Then a man comes with a light and I see that the creature is just a small puppy.  I take the puppy and go with the man to a small building where I just want to find a place to crawl into bed and sleep.  I wonder for a moment where my parents are and if they will be worried that I don't come home but I just want to stay where I am and disappear into the oblivion of sleep.  The man with the light then comes to tell me that my father is here and there is another gathering down the hill with a big fire and some dancing.  I follow the man, bringing with me the puppy and hurry to meet up with my father....also hoping that my brother/beloved might not really be dead but there too to join me in the dancing.

I had this dream just a day after my session and it haunted me so profoundly  that I called Christa for an emergency session because I knew that I couldn't wait for the next two weeks to be able to work it.  The meaning was perfectly clear to me but I was in such a state of numbness that I was not able to feel any feelings around this incredible loss....only the sense of being thrust into the deepest darkness and denial.  It is this denial that I have carried with me always....this denial of a loss so unbearably painful that the only way that I have found to endure it was to keep believing that maybe it wasn't true.  But here in this dream were my dear father and my puppy/girl heart and with Christa's gentle help I finally accepted the truth and let my heart feel the pain of losing my beloved and maybe even participating in his demise.   And so... I let myself feel at last,  loss with a capital "L".  The pain was agonizing in its intensity and left me feeling weak and drained but curiously I felt a freedom that allowed the love to surface and expand into love with a capital "L"!
I am now in a state of calm and contentment ....most of the time anyway...and when I do find myself slipping into the darkness I find the puppy and take the hand of my father to make my way back through the pain to the love.  I find that I am wanting to remember more and more this blissful union that I once felt with the beloved.  To step beyond the horror and experience the joining of heart and soul in the arms of the divine.  I have crossed the threshold and He is there waiting.


The Horror.....

The Grace.....

;

Sparks Flying....

                                                                 Sparks Flying

Two new dreams from my last session with Christa.....

I am in NJ at my parents house and Laura and Noah and the crew are there doing Rooting Shen treatments.  There is a knock at the door and it is Ioan Gruffyd (the Welsh actor) and I think that he is here for a treatment...but no, he just wants to see me.  The Rooting Sheners decide that they want to go over to the beach and I give them directions about how to get there.  Ioan and I then go into the bedroom and lay down face to face on the bed and he is very tender and intimate with me. Later I go up into the attic with him and notice that the chimney and foundations of the house are crumbling and I realize that the house is going to collapse.


In the next dream I am in NJ wading through the ocean in Beasley's Point Bay.  A woman in the toll booth on the bridge above me hails me about paying a toll to cross the water.  I then make my way to shore and try to pay but I don't have my check book and then I get lost and on and on it goes.

The second dream is showing a trauma trigger...a simple gesture from a person in authority can make me feel like I've done something wrong...oh, my god...what did I do....don't punish me.  Maybe the woman was just waving hello but I am still living with one foot in trauma land and the smallest thing can send me back to the feelings of panic and terror.
But then there is the Animus  -  showing up as Ioan Gruffyd, a sweet gentle man who is coming to my old childhood home  - the site of some sexual trauma from this lifetime - to show me that this house is ready to collapse and I can be free of those wounds as long as I stay with Him.
My homework is to stay locked with Him in that gaze in all aspects of my life ....and to notice the places where I still can be triggered into the old trauma.
This new collage shows what the trauma world feels like on the left and what it feels like to fall into the gaze of his love and support.

and a new poem....

We are laying face to face.
I look into your eyes, you look into mine.
That is all there is .....our gazes locked together,
the current of love passing from one to the other.
Electricity, pulsing,
Sparks fly.....like a comet exploding in the dark night.
The flow emits a golden glow....
and all my being rides on that river of light.
Wave after wave,
Breath after breath.
There is no yesterday, no tomorrow,
only this moment of being consumed by the fire in your eyes,
mirroring the fire in mine.

Uncovering another layer.....self hate.

The Way Out

                                      

                                            
                                                   Detail of the Naked Girl

In my last session with Christa, besides working the dream of the dog, green and vessel, I had two other dreams of the Animus and the girl...and another one which hinted at a place where the pathology was still hiding out.  In this dream I am swimming naked in a pond and one of my students come to join me.  I want her to join me naked in the pond as I am curious to see what her body looks like under all the layers of clothes.  Instead she wears a black bathing suit and I am disappointed.

So the question is...what part of me still hides out wearing the black bathing suit? Where do I still feel shame and where do I keep my soul self  hidden.  Christa advised me to be on the lookout for this in my life...as it keeps me from being the dancing girl, the rose heart and the vessel...with Him.

How this was triggered recently...I sent Christa an email sharing my new blog post with the collage of the dog, green door and the vessel  and a poem that I wrote about the feelings that came up when making the collage.
She responded with affirmation about the beauty of the collage but said nothing about the  poem.  In roughly two seconds after reading her email I first felt the twinge of  disappointment about the poem and then I went straight into nihilism about the validity of my writing.   I believed that the poem was truly heartfelt in my yearning for the Animus but then the voices came in and said that it was all crap, bullshit.  Maybe it was?  I really don't know. The doubt and self judgement are there almost instantly.  I couldn't even take in that she liked my collages.  This self hate/self judgement feels like I have fallen down a deep, dark well and there is no way out.  I vow never to write again and want to hide away in my shame. The walls close in, everything becomes flat and I just want to numb myself in sleep.
 There is something here for me in the vulnerability that comes up when I risk showing my feelings and when they are not validated.   I can't bear the rejection and I go back into the desert.  That place of icy numbness with thick walls of stone that keep me from the pain of not being valued.  Another layer of old pain that I have been afraid to face.
After a day and night of being back in that prison, I set to work on finding my connection again and the way out.  I worked on another collage about what it feels like to be numb and frozen and then how it feels to be on the sailboat with the man and dancing with the girls.  I sat in that place of extreme vulnerability and nakedness and felt how scary and shaky it is for me to show this side of me to the world.  I have worked hard  my whole life to be the best weaver, the best teacher, the best daughter, the most devoted friend.....all to avoid the pain of what it feels like to be small, helpless, needy and weak.  My judgement and self hate has been far greater then anyone else could ever bestow upon me, and I have kept that adroitly hidden so that no one would ever know how fragile and scared I really am.  I now want to show this side of me to the world....like the girl in the circle of fire ... in her nakedness with nothing to hide.

ps....after another night's reflection on this issue of self hate, I can also see that not wanting to face the truth about myself encourages these pathologic voices to keep me hiding from the pain. In the case with Peter...I have had the hardest time letting go of him ....not only for the love that I still feel for him...but primarily because I can not face the pain of knowing that he now loves someone else and not me.  I have been able to feel the pain  losing  my companion of 7 years and come to some acceptance about the new life that he has found.   But having to face the reality of myself not being the chosen one ....I couldn't go there.  This self hate  doesn't want me to feel the pain of not being loved and I have not been willing to go under that layer to feel the real pain that is about  my separation from God. As I let this new pain unfold in my heart I begin to find some sweet compassion for the naked girl.

The Dog, The Door and the Vessel.....

The Dog, the Door and the Vessel

My New Dream:
I am with a dog and we have been traveling to get somewhere through the dark...sometimes on some very scary roads. We arrive at this place with a green door and once inside we are welcomed. I am asked to speak about my journey, and as I begin, my heart fills and I start to cry. I say that I am now a vessel that the spirit of God can work through.

My work now is to keep turning to the Animus ....to do our work together on the inside and in the world.

A new poem....

In my longing....
my aching longing,
for a partner on this earth,
I turn to you.

But the wall that separates us is thick and vast.
Slowly, patiently
with chisel in hand, I start to chip away this wall
Stone by stone.

In moments of desperation I tear at those rocks with my bare hands...
fingers bleeding,
knuckles scraped,
hands raw.
My free flowing tears melting away the crusty old mortar.

Then at last the doorway is revealed.
A green door beckons.
I can feel your hand on mine as I turn the latch.

Beyond the doorway there are shadows and the way is not completely clear....
but a shining vessel appear in the darkness.
I am drawn to come closer,
and inside floating on the water is a rose.

I bend down to smell its sweet, fragrant scent
and then I bury my face in its silken petals that gently caress my cheek.

I breathe,
I feel,
I am falling, falling,
merging, melting,

and then the rose and I are one.

(Detail of the rose.)

....and then there's the music.....

One of my favorite parts of the Rooting Shen treatments is how the music aligns so perfectly with what is happening at the acupuncture point and more importantly with what is happening with me on the inner level at that moment.
For a month before the treatment I worked hard to collect over 200 songs and it was a pretty eclectic selection that I ended up with. A few days before leaving I had watched the movie Mamma Mia! and been so invigorated and enlivened by the music that I tried to add the whole soundtrack to my collection before I left but was thwarted by my lack of techno savvy.   Once I got to Whitefield though, Meg was able to help me and we were able to down load the whole soundtrack just minutes before the treatment began.

So then the moment arrives when I lay down on the table... push the shuffle button and the treatment begins.  The theme of the music....and there really was a theme this time....was (just to cite a few...)

         uplifting ~  Hallelujiah by Handel & Leonard Cohen, Here Comes the Rain Again
         joyful ~ What a Wonderful World, For unto us a Child is Born, Belle
         body rocking ~ Michael Jackson, Elton John, BeeGees
         legs gyrating to the rhythm ~Dancing Queen (2x), Voulez Vous, Mamma Mia!
         arms conducting to the beat ~ Lay all your Love on me, Take a Chance on Me
         heart wrenching  ~  Blood of Eden, Little Sparrow, Top of the World
         heart filling ~ Cirque de Soleil: Aftermath, Flight, Battlefield, Threat, Storm; Angel of the Morning
               

Since I've been home I've continued to push the shuffle button and see what comes up for when I'm sitting having my morning oatmeal, getting ready for work or making dinner.  The Dancing Queen and Voulez Vous (from Mamma Mia!)  come up most regularly and I find myself dancing wildly around the living room, feeling my body start to heal more and more through the movement of dance.  In my session with Isabelle this last Wednesday I brought the Ipod and we used my treatment music to help in the guided meditation of what it means to be the Queen from the higher conscious.  Once again the songs seemed to coincide so perfectly with what I was feeling on the inside.  There were songs that resonated with "partnership, leadership, impeccable character, generosity of spirit and most exciting to me.....as the  5 Mamma Mia! songs came up again.....the dancing girl heart.  That seems to be the strongest message for me lately...to be the Dancing Girl/Queen with the heart bursting with life and joy.

Hands on Heart.....

                                                                 Hands on Heart

                                                    Detail of Rose Heart

Here is a bit more of my Rooting Shen treatment as things settle in and begin to take shape.  Instead of acupuncture needles, this time Taylore and Noah just held their hands over the main points - Noah on the heart point and Taylore on the stomach meridian.  For four hours their hands stayed in these places and at various times my hands covered theirs and I was able to add to the energy being focused there.  The simple beauty of a laying on of hands....hands covering hands....hands holding hands....brought a peace and healing to my heart and soul that I could never have imagined.  As a gazed on this collage last night before going to sleep I wrote this poem to try and express some of the miracle that is happening to me.


                                                       
                                  I see the light of a hundred candles burning brightly
                                          and feel the warmth of their glow.
                                  I feel your hands wrapped around my heart...
                             my tender wounded heart that has felt so barren and empty.
                                       With the warmth of your gentle hands
                               I feel the heart soften and the  wounds begin to heal.
                                         Like the petals of a rose, there is a gradual unfolding
                                                     as the center begins to unfurl.
                                                       Letting in light, joy and love.
                            I have walked a long, lonely road trying to find my way back to you.
                                        I have traveled through dark and scary places...
                                            filled with horror and relentless misery.
                              But the light of a hundred candles and the blossoming of the rose
                                                  are guiding me slowly back to you.

Rooting Shen ....24 March 2012

Light of Heaven ....post Rooting Shen

                                                


A  week ago at this moment...6:40....I entered the treatment shed in Whitefield, Maine to begin my fifth Rooting Shen treatment.  My dear friend, Lark, had driven me over to the coast of Maine on Friday and we stayed in a B& B run by two women in Waldoboro for the night and the next day. Then  Lark drove me to Whitefield on Saturday afternoon for my treatment and left me there for the night.

 I still don't have many words for what transpired but it was  transforming on a very deep level.  I had brought my dream of being imprisoned for a lie and wanting to be a queen and the theme of the treatment was about finding this queen self in it's true manifestation.  It was not about being the queen with the man...it was about being the queen with the Divine....and what that really means to me. The music took me to places that had been hidden to me all these many years and at one point I was down on my knees feeling humility and sadness for all the times that I have turned away from my divine self.  I had brought my collage of "being the queen" to the treatment as a source of inspiration and in this new place of being broken I asked for the collage to be thrown on the fire that was burning outside the shed.  I felt the shallowness of living from this place of needing "the man" to dictate  the way for me and it was a relief to have that old way of relating be burned to ashes in the fire. Rising from the ashes I was greeted to my new self by  Handel's Halleluiah Chorus and my whole being was filled with  clarity and joy.  There will be more to share as I continue to sit and embrace this newfound sense of my queen-ness  and I look forward to what continues to unfold.