Moving ever onwards......

Feeling Radiant

                                                   

I have been sick with a cold all this week and today I woke with neck pain and a migraine starting.  I dosed up with drugs and went back to bed.  It has been a hard week and when feeling sick I don't seem to muster those "beautiful, radiant" feelings very easily.  I did work on this collage in the evenings after work and that helped to bring the feelings in a bit deeper.  My heart is still very heavy and sore and my inner work does not penetrate the depression entirely.  Some of it feels just like the sadness of regret and loss.....this un-nameable loss that is embodied in every cell of my body...that can't seem to be shaken.  Some of  the despair is also that I keep feeling so unwell physically and that it is such an effort to show up to work and my daily commitments.  There is a sadness under that despair in that I don't have much heart anymore for these two businesses...the weaving and the teaching....that were once my life long passion.  They are how I make my living now but something in them (or in me) has gone terribly flat.
Last week though, I was given the title of a book by one of my health practionners that I ordered immediately and has brought a ray of hope into my life.  It is called  -  Out of the Woods:  Healing Lyme Disease -  Body, Mind and Spirit".  It arrived on Thursday and I spent the next two days .....even snatching moments of the treatment table at Physical Therapy....to read it cover to cover.  This woman's story was my story....with such amazing similarities that it was uncanny.  This undiagnosable illness had wrecked her life for years and years....she who was once successful, high functioning and incredibly active.  She had constant migraines, overwhelming fatigue, body pains and never ending digestive complaints.  She tried every known alternative treatment and spent thousands of dollars on supplements and doctors appointments.  She battled with depression and frustration and anger. It ruined her marriage.
 Then one day she found a doctor - a homeopath  - who tested her with new improved testing procedures and discovered that she had Chronic Lyme Disease.  That precipitated the start of her healing process on the outside but it also changed her life on the inside.  Her struggle to find health in her body brought her to the edge of the cliff and taking that leap over she discovered a real relationship with her heart and the Divine...and her true calling.
I, too, am taking leaps of faith by going over the waterfall to find the Divine and although her path took another route I know that following my dreams is the way that I will attain the reunion with my heart.  I have been tested for Lyme disease twice with negative results so the insurance companies will not cover any other treatments costs...but  I will try and find a way to have these newer tests done and see what they reveal.  There is some blessing in having had this spirochete invasion in my body as it has forced me to a stillness that I never would have voluntarily taken.  In that stillness I am starting to pay attention to the messages that my soul has been patiently waiting for me to hear ....and am taking them to heart.

The morning after.....

Woke up this morning feeling almost hungover....from the  lack of sleep of the past few days, a migraine coming on and just the general after effects of all the emotional upheaval.  I also feel the familiar heaviness of depression and despair about having to get through another work day.  I am feeling no joy, nothing to look forward to, no excitement.
My work and home life feel so flat and lifeless.  I go out to bring in kindling from the back porch to start the stove and am caught feeling a heart pain remembering that Peter made this kindling for me before he left.  There it is....the pain of losing Peter/my child.  It is what is just under the surface of this general malaise.  I stop and let this pain in and slowly start to make the switch from making the pain about Peter to feeling it as the loss of my soul.  I can use these little heart wrenching memories and remembrances to open to the pain and take it to the Animus.
I sit and feel the pain of loss and then go to my homework of feeling beautiful and radiant. At first I can't find a thread to the feeling.  Then I try to move from the image (which is usually what I start with) and try to feel it in the body.  Feel the radiance moving around my heart softening the pain.  I realize that there is a disconnect between my body and my mind.  I think that the trauma that I have been holding in has found it's way in to every cell in my body and there is a massive resistance to feeling anything except physical pain. I need help with this.  I need to feel the love that the Animus has for me so that I can take my pain to Him and let him transform it into something else..like love.  More work to do and doors to open.

Later....I had an email from Peter today while he is enroute back to France.  We have made peace with each other and soon he will write a blog post about how this new love came to be.  I fear it and welcome it at the same time.  I am slowly  coming to terms with his new situation and the pain is less....or the pain is where it should be...with me and my loss.
I am still caught in some lowness of spirit and am feeling very cast down with my life.  I want to feel my own joie de vivre again but it seems that I still need to be here in this place of sadness and fragility. I have to trust that this is where I need to be and that something will start to move inside me to find the light at the end of the tunnel. Right now all is darkness and I am so weary of this life.  Is this the dark night of the soul?  All I can do is do my homework, await another dream and see what tomorrow brings.

In and out of trauma....

Heart Ripped Open

                                             


Last spring I had a dream that I was trapped in a church with a group of people as it was being set fire to from the outside.  There is an incredible feeling of terror everywhere and I go to hide underneath a pew next to the wall.  I am holding my baby close to my chest to protect her and someone comes and takes the child from me.  I don't know if they are going to try and save her or kill her.  My heart feels like it has been ripped apart.

My homework from this dream was to feel the pain of losing my child. At that time I was still so shut down that I could only feel the faintest glimmer of what that pain was really like. I could only relate to it in the most abstract of terms.  I could think...God, it must be horrible to have to give up your child...on the verge of your own probable death... and never know whether she lives or dies.  I knew that this was something that would rip your heart out but I could not go there myself.  Since last spring I have been slowly brought closer and closer to that pain as dream by dream my will to avoid it has been broken.  In the outer world I have also
had life circumstances help to bring me to this place....Peter moving out, my mother's slow death from cancer, Peter leaving for Europe and the death of my cat.  Each one of these places of projected pain led me down yet another stair but the way to the final descent was still hidden.  Dreams of facing into my fear and trusting
to the Animus gave me the added support (though I didn't know it at the time) to take the final steps.

And then something new happened in my life that seemed to hurl me the rest of the way down....Peter fell in love.  My dearest friend in the world was lost to me.  I now felt so completely alone and abandoned.  My heart felt like it had been ripped apart.  I wondered why this could possibly hurt so much because I thought that I had resolved so much about our relationship over the past few months.  I also knew that this pain was really about me...but the thoughts still tormented me about how I was such a failure, so unlovable, etc, etc.  A call from Peter on Thursday asking me to do a favor for him regarding a money transfer put me into an incredible reaction and I retaliated by telling him that I wanted to sever all contact.  I wanted all his belongings out of my barn and I never wanted to see or hear from him again.  I continued in the vascillation of being in  reaction and feeling this heart wrenching pain  for the next two days. Yesterday things finally reached a breaking point and some power greater then myself was moving me closer and closer to the edge.  I wanted to run and hide but I felt frozen in terror. I felt lost and couldn't find my way.  I felt so utterly alone and I didn't know what to do.  There was panic and a sense of all my muscles tightening. The pain was agonizing and I could barely get a breath.  Somehow  I got myself down to the computer to write Peter an email while I was in the midst of this trauma ....to share my pain and ask for his forgiveness.  The tears came then and for some moments I felt the relief from  holding in all of that pain. That night more battles were waged as the pathology once again tried to make Peter the villain and sidetrack me from what this pain really was all about. Then the terror would come and I would be paralyzed with fear.  I tried to feel all the Animus homeworks from the past year, I tried to pray,  I did my yogic breathing, I repeated the mantra from my ashram days, I  rocked the wounded child....all this just to  try to and get through the next minute, the next hour.  I finally slept for a few hours with no dreams but I was awake again at 5am.  I got up and dressed and walked out into the cold dawn to go down to the studio to send Peter another email with more apologies and openings of my heart.  The birds were just starting to sing and I felt such a sense of peace on this cold, winter morning.  Professing to Peter how much he means to me immediately brings the tears to the surface and I can start to touch in to the immense grief that I have denied in losing my child.  The tears have only just started to flow from this well of pain and  I know that there is much more to feel and open to in the days and weeks to come. I do feel like I have passed through some sort of passage in agreeing to stay in that terror and find what lies on the other side.  I also have to say that even though I was alone in that bed fighting for my life last night there was an army of other worldly/archetypal support cheering me on.

Grief, loss and letting go....

Radiance

       

A week ago this past Saturday one of my sweet cats disappeared in the night and it is almost certain now that she is dead.  As I have been living alone up here on the hill for the past many months, my cats have become a vital part of my life. The loss of one of my favorites has been very painful and hard to bear but I know that this pain is really a part of my own woundedness.  The tears that I shed for her are for me as well.
Also this week I received some hard news from abroad that my relationship with Peter is now firmly and irrevocably over.  He has found a new love and I have had to let go of any lingering hopes that our lives would someday come together again.  The pain of this finality has taken me by surprise and my heart ached more then I thought possible.  Once again, I know that this is about me....my pain...my trauma...but there still is a great sadness and regret for the past that could have been different.

In this midst of this heart aching I had a session with Christa and we worked two new beautiful dreams.
They are my antidote to the poison of nihilism and despair that can sometimes seep into this pure heart pain and lead me down that awful road.  In the first dream I am with my friend Dan and he and another man and his 12 yr old daughter are preparing for a wedding.  Dan tells me how pretty and well I look and at first I don't take this in.  Then I pass by a mirror and behold this beautiful, radiant face looking back at me. Something wonderful has happened on the  inside to transform me on the outside.
Well...true to form, I hadn't realized the importance of this dream when I had it, and it was only when Christa reflected back to me what it meant, could I start to take it in.  It is my wedding that is being prepared...I am the chosen bride of the Animus, Dan, and I am glowing with light and beauty from the inside.  I am loved.  I am wanted.  I am beautiful and attractive.  How different then what the nihilistic voices were telling me after the news from Peter.
When I closed my eyes to go deeper into the feeling I felt the sweet pain of being so loved and cherished.  The radiance inside started in my heart and filled up every cell in my body.  It was energizing and exhilarating.

  In the second dream I am at a NOE retreat and Jeremiah comes to sit with me.  He wants to resume our piano lessons and says how much he misses our time together.  I agree to starting again and he also offers the use of a small harpsichord which I've always wanted to play.  He then enfolds me in his arms and kisses my face and neck.  I melt into his caress but hold back from kissing him on the mouth.
Besides that moment of shame, I am willing and eager to join the Animus in what used to be a strong passion for me...playing music on the piano.  He is coming to lead me back to that place and also to re-awaken the sensual parts of my body and soul that have been shut down.  In the session, I was concerned about the moment when I stop...where I feel the shame about kissing him on the mouth.  I had lots of negative feedback in my last relationship about kissing and those messages continue to bring about the shame response.  Christa explained to me that this was the moment when my trauma was being triggered and instead of chastising myself about it I should take that feeling and go to the Animus telling me how beautiful I am.  Just that simple.  It helped me a lot to acknowledge the importance of how the trauma from the past continues to manifest in my life.  When  I get stopped from opening up and being vulnerable...by shame or fear...that it is the trauma response being triggered.  And all I have to do is to notice that here it is....this is my trauma...and go towards my homework.  It really was the first time that I could take in the fact that horrible things happened to me in the past and I had to shut down those feelings in order to survive. It was not my fault...I was not to blame...and there was no other way to cope.  Instead of judging and blaming myself, I can use these moments as an opportunity to feel that radiant, beautiful soul that has been hidden for so long behind those walls. I am now in a process of letting go and though it is painful and sad I have such wonderful assurances from the Archetypes that this is truly where I need to be...and that there is a way through.

Honing my Edge.....

Last week my headaches and physical pain returned after a two week hiatus and I wondered where had I gone astray.  In my work life we were in the midst of a serious deadline and my response to that was to go  down that old familiar road of what I call my "independent-do it-yourself-ness".  Since I had been feeling so much better lately, I decided to ignore my homework of trusting the Animus in my business, and forge on ahead by myself.  I worked long hours, both days of the weekend and all the next week.  I was worried about my finances with no money coming in, and I couldn't afford to pay my workers to do what I could do myself.

 And I didn't trust Him to help me.

 I've never trusted anyone to help me.

 And so I paid the price of my unwillingness to be vulnerable with pain, more pain and isolation. I choose instead to go with the feelings of pride for doing something well and accomplishing something on my own,
forsaking the chance to be in a vulnerable, heart connecting relationship.
 This is a huge edge for me...trusting and asking for help.  It is a little bit easier when I am sick and disabled but when I'm feeling good and full of energy I just charge ahead heedless of everyone and everything in my way. Why is it so hard for me to accept the offer of the man in my dream?  What holds me back from letting things unfold with him by my side?
Each one of these questions is an opportunity to put my homework into practice and feel into a new way of being.  Vulnerable, open to partnership and humble.  I'm finding that the more I go deeper into my inner work the more it is necessary to slow down all my reactions.  It only takes a split second for me to take the wrong road and go at it alone.  I need to stop...take in what was just said or just happened...take a breath....and then find the true feeling.  Let the feeling be the polestar.  Feel the pain of past betrayals of trust ....the pain of being let down, abandonned, rejected.  All those hard feelings that I felt at one time or another and hardened myself against because it was easier to go it alone. I need to believe in his love for me and take the risk to trust that he will be there for me, with me, at all costs.

Fine Tuning

                                                           Feeling His love for me

This past week my work has continued with looking at the places where I get stopped by my vulnerability and also to feel into my new relationship with the Animus.  Today at this moment I am feeling very loved and supported by Him but I know that there are still more edges to confront and more buried feelings  to come to the surface.  I had a dream this week of cleaning a dirty bathroom so I know that some of the old shame still lingers. As I begin to trust and look to the Animus more and more in my outer life I am also aware that there are still some doors that are closed to him.  Most notably those to do with sensuality, but there is also a stubborn streak of independent, self sufficiency that I cling to like a ship wrecked sailor holding on to the remains of a life boat.  In my life in the world right now I am living alone without a partner.  Although it can be
difficult in terms of finances and house maintenance, I value this time to focus my total attention on building a relationship with my own soul and God.  My dreams have changed greatly over the past six months as I descended down into those places of wounding and trauma that have left me so isolated.  The lifetime avoidance of this pain had resulted in a wariness of intimacy with men, a collusion with darkmother type women and untold amounts of physical suffering.  In truth, I had to be dragged kicking and screaming all the way down that dark stairway to face what lay below...but bit by bit, dream by dream my will was broken and my heart opened.
So here I am having come through another doorway.....where I'm actually getting married to the Animus
and he wants to be a part of my business.  I feel all aglow when I hug him and take his suggestion for us to set up two looms in the same room so that we can work together .  I feel excitment about the possibilities of working as a team and not having to bear all the burden myself.  But can I go all the way with him?  Can I
really surrender all my will to him and trust in him completely??  Ironically in the dream the Animus is a gay man from Minnesota who is a weaving friend of Norman's.  He is sweet and kind and full of enthusiasm  for weaving and for life .  So why would the Animus come as a gay man?  It is because he is safer that way?  We can be great friends, platonic partners.  Just like Peter and I ended up being ...which was ok for me, but not for him.
So now I take another step in....to find those places in my life where I feel unworthy and scared of rejection if I risk being myself.  Since I don't have a partner right now to mirror this for me I need to look to my other relationships in the world and use them as my polishing tool. And I need to keep feeling His love for me more then anything else.

Speaking out....

                                                                   The heart speaks

I am enjoying some new transformations in my body these past few weeks and it has me feeling almost intoxicated!  The pain and headaches have vanished and there is a flow of energy that I haven't experienced in years.  My mind is freed from the chains of that old torment and my heart feels light and full of joy.  I have become engaged in life again...I have a re-newed interest in my work...I want to go for walks...I want to cook...and I want to be with people again.  I'm not entirely sure what has happened to effect these changes but I feel as if I have returned to the land of the living.

In my last session with Christa we worked many dreams; some which were of my openness with the Animus and his support - which affirmed my surrender of going over the waterfall, and others which showed where I can still get sidetracked and stopped. Where there is still a crack where the dark mother can find her way in. In one of those dreams I am riding my bike over the Golden Gate bring in San Francisco going to work.  When I get there I realize that I am hours late and that I have forgotten my work shoes.  Instead of going back for the shoes and torturing myself for being late, I make my apologies and bag the whole work thing altogether.  I go to visit a man friend who lives nearby and we spend the rest of the day together having a wonderful time.  As it gets late I decide that I'd like to spend the night with him but....and here's the crack....I worry about what my mother will think about me not coming home.  In the dream I do go home but when my mother starts hollering about where I've been, I stand up and start hollering back at her.  I am feeling so angry that she still wants to run my life ...and for god's sake....I'm 58 years old!
The anger is good.  I am finally standing up for myself....my right to live the life that feels true to me.  But why do I get stopped in that crucial moment of wanting??  There is a moment of extreme vulnerability where I feel scared that I will be rejected if I ask for what I want.  Then the shame comes in and the dark mother can have a field day with me.  So this is the moment that no matter how scared I am I must speak out.  I must ask for what I want and honor my needs and desires.  This is who I am.  This is who I am. I keep repeating this over and over like a mantra and I can feel the fire building inside that allows me to shout it out.

I am getting to see in my life how this dynamic with the dark mother plays out in relation to my recent health crisis.  With the telling to friends and family of my possible cancer diagnosis, I am getting lots and lots of advice about how to deal with it and what I should do.  I have an instinct about what is going on in my body and when I share how I plan to work through this I often get vehement reactions against this idea.  I then feel a surge of anger energy rise up in my chest and I very clearly speak what is true for me.  In the past I would have acquiessed and agreed....to afraid to rock the boat. But not now.  I am standing up and speaking out.